Sunday, October 9, 2011

The ultimate cliche

In this line of work, if you haven't heard an overused football cliche, that likely means you've been wearing earmuffs reinforced with bulletproof armor.

It is inevitable. After all, does anyone out there expect a football coach to say after a game, "That team stinks. They're lucky they don't have to donate their paycheck to charity. Their offensive line couldn't block my nephew's pee-wee football team, and their quarterback couldn't hit the broad side of a barn."

(Let the record state the QB comment was not necessarily meant as a joke at the expense of Joe Bauserman.)

Anyway, hearing so many football cliches, more times than not in small doses from well-meaning coaches whom I really, really like and are a pleasure with whom to interact, I always thought it would be fun, just once, to try playing the role of a coach.

So here I am, after a game, doing my best imitation of a football coach using coachspeak doused in cliche:

"That's a good football team over there. They're well-coached, give 110 percent and leave everything on the field. Those young men, those natural leaders, play football the way football is meant to be played. Our quarterback was a field general out there, managing the football team the way football teams are meant to be managed. And our defense, they're tenacious - outstanding leaders on and off the football field. Their desire to play the defensive line position, linebacker position, defensive back position is such a joy to watch as a football coach. We're just happy to get a win, because you've got to take it one game at a time, one play at a time. You've got to focus on your goals, which is to win the league, go undefeated at home, make the playoffs and win a state championship. And above all else, no matter what may be added here or anywhere else, you've got to give them credit because that's a heck of a football team, and I could not be prouder."

Ah, that felt good. I feel like a coach already.

- Chris Lillstrung


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